Now we know that hitting is bad - for toddlers and parents. And shipping them to Guam is probably illegal. So what do you do instead to instill respect and obedience in your kids? Well first of all you have to remember that each child is different and what works #1 may not work for #2 or what works for mine may not for yours. I'm just going throw out some alternatives that I've tried. Just like with a new shampoo or a new pair of shoes you gotta break it in. Whatever you choose, use it steadily for at least two weeks before you decide it's trash and it doesn't work on your monster. They're sneaky little buggers - they know you're testing on them!
Eye Contact - When I was a new parent I always thought that this was important but guess what? You are big and scary! And most likely, they're already feeling bad about drop kicking the cat so you making them stare into your angry eyes while you lecture puts them - you guessed it - on the defensive. And now they aren't listening anymore. Try sitting next to them, if you're a touchy-feely family hold hands or put yours close enough if they need it. Usually they do. They love you and they need you for safety - even when you're angry. In this position you can talk and they can listen and learn. Talk about why we don't do those kinds of things and who gets hurt etc etc.
Cause and Effect - Kids are smart and they're like little sponges so if you tell them, "Mommy has a horrible headache and when you scream that way it makes me hurt. Do you think we could talk in our library voices for awhile?" they'll listen and learn. On a side note - this actually works - I get migraines and my children play quietly on my bed until bedtime, they take turns rubbing my back and reading quietly to each other. They just want to be near me because they know I hurt.
Dad Voice: I reserve this for the worst deeds. When I was a kid my dad using his "Dad" voice was worse than any spanking or lecture or anything else he could dish out. That voice was his big scary monster voice and I heard it loud and clearly! I use it for mine too but sparingly so they know this is the END of the line buster.
Take a Break: I used to call it a "time out" but our hippie, alternative school calls it "taking a break" and I love that. It suggests that you are taking a break from the situation not that you need to be sequestered from the outside world for a while. And I use it on different levels, for little moments and for big ones - when my son starts acting like a spaz I say, "Dude you need to take a little break - you're starting to act crazy and I don't want you to end up getting in trouble because you can't control yourself." And he does, he just sits or stands where he is and takes a few deep breaths and then rejoins us. I also have been known to tell my children that we need to take a break from each other before I start pulling their arms and legs off (Since I'm funny this works for me - they laugh and go play in another room, yours might call 911 so be careful what you say!)
As I'm trying to think of all the things that I do when my kids go nuts, I realize that for me - prevention is key. Head them off before they breach enemy lines! I figure a good offensive is worth way more than a good defense. Defense against a tantruming, terrible two year old is exhausting! And emotionally draining. And you can't win if you're constantly defending - how will you score goals that way?? So, keep changing the play on them, keep them guessing, nip stuff in the bud right away. Make rules and when they start to bend them - tell them whats up, you won't stand for that kind of disrespect, you already said no and if they can't listen then not only are we leaving now but we will not be coming back to the park, or this friends house, or whatever anytime soon. And keep your promises - even the "you're in trouble ones."
And you know what? Don't be embarrassed when you lose the battle - we fight for too long and too often to win every one. And the moms around you watching you carry your screaming child like a sack of potatoes over your shoulder - they've been there too! If some of them judge you because 'that's never happened to me' they are lying through their pearly whites and their kids are going to hooligans before they even start kindergarten!
I'm sure there are 50 other things I've tried - a strategy was difficult to find with my little guy - but I, of course, can't think of anything else right now. I'll make some notes and come back with more another time. Just remember - the best defense is a good offense!
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