Hosting a Parasite

You know what no one ever says out loud?  Your unborn child is a parasite.  Oh no, of course we don't think that, it's a bundle of joy, a bun in the oven, a perfect little angel.......no, you're deluding yourself.  It's a parasite and it feeds off of your body for 40 weeks - sucking all the goodness out and leaving you with the dregs.  And then when it's grown to capacity what does it do?  It uses an escape hatch that will never be the same again!

While you are pregnant many fantastic (insert sarcasm) things befall you directly because of the parasite sucking all the goodness out of your body - first, you have to share your food.  Not all of it - just the best of the best.  Second, your hair starts falling out - it's long and shiny because of your prenatal pills but more of it is coming out with the brush than ever before.  Third, your mucus membranes swell.  Sounds gross right?  It is and it isn't - it means that some pregnant women have nosebleeds and some have bleeding gums while brushing their teeth, on the bright side though......women have another important mucus membrane that swells.....it, well, um.....lets just say for women who can get over feeling like their belly is the Titantic, "whoopie" is a lot better. 

Fourth, you must suffer at the hands of the medical profession for 9 long months - they take like 8 vials of blood (don't I need that for the baby??), then they make you do a bunch of tests, drink a bunch of water and hold it while they push on your giant belly and point at a grey blob on the screen saying, "oh look, she's sucking her thumb!"  I'll take your word for it because it looks like a bowl of oatmeal to me.  They weigh you every time (so rude), they poke you and prod you and then to top it all off with a cherry - you go into the hospital to finally exercise this parasite from your body and for the 20 hours that you're in labor like 6 different nurses stick their fingers in your who-ha while talking about the weather or telling you what a great job you're doing.  Could you not talk to me with your hand in my swollen membranes please??  Thanks for that.

And then after you swear the indignities have ended - you find out you're wrong, they party is just getting started.  No one looks amazing after having a baby, and when other women try to tell you that you do they're being nice because they remember being in your place.  Your face is swollen, you probably have on no make up, you just spent 20 hours pushing an 8 pound baby outta your who-ha and you aren't looking your best.  It's true. But everyone you know is coming to visit.  RIGHT NOW.  And they keep on coming for at least the first week or so.  And they make your day by taking pictures - so you can remember that double chin you grew when you were carrying your bundle of joy.  Again, thanks for that.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVED being pregnant.  I was happy being the host to both my parasites but that doesn't change the fact that they were parasites.  Yes, yes - our bodies are made for that, yadda yadda - that doesn't mean I can't be honest about it!  And that doesn't mean I can't look at other pregnant women and be both sad that I don't get to do that again and glad that I don't get to do that again!