Bend don't break

I imagine the battle of wills between parent and child as a arch between the two, sort of like a rainbow without all the pretty colors.  You will not always meet right in the middle but you want to get as close as you can.  If their will is stronger than yours it will hit the downslide of your side of the arch and CRUSH......you are squashed like a bug under their needs, their wants, their tantrums.  It is very hard to come back from this, it takes a lot more strength and perseverance to push their will back up into the middle - do not let this happen.  In all seriousness - this is how women end up on daytime TV saying "my 7 year old is out of control, I got no idea how this happened Maury!"  I've got an idea - let's size up those foot prints on your back. 

 

On the other hand, you do not want to crush their fragile, beautiful spirit either - "bend don't break" is what I always say.  I didn't know about this delicate balance when my daughter was little - she had a fierce will so I met her with my own fierceness and I think I pushed just a little too hard.  It's almost like there is a hairline crack on her side of the rainbow so I have to be very careful to keep us right in the middle, any added weight to her side and her heart will break.  She has a gentle soul and although it is not without attitude and drama at the tender age of 9, it is easily breakable and I must be constantly aware of my own strength.  Sometimes, being a good parent means dialing it down a notch too.

My son though.....well, he's the reason I started checking out Guam in the first place.  He is six and after the first  four years my will was tired from fighting to stay in the middle of that arch for so long.  We tried timeouts, taking away toys and privileges, lengthy discussions, we even tried spanking (I don't like that at all) and finally we took him to a therapist because we refuse to have a rotten kid and refuse to be bad parents.  Sometimes being a good parent means admitting you need help.  We thought he had Aspergers Syndrome - but no, the doctor said, "he's super smart and a controlling punk"  Okay, I'm paraphrasing but that was the basic gist.  It was a huge relief though - now we knew what not to do......push at the top of that arch as hard as we had been.  So we made some changes and we outsmarted him.

Now, with my little guy, I leave a space at the top for him to decide whether he's going to accept my will for exactly what it is or whether we're going to hunker down for a fight.  He almost always chooses to accept - because that's his big deal - CHOICE.  He had just been wanting the free will that we all want.  He couldn't stop shouldering up against me and pushing if I was pushing too.  It's not in his nature.  So I moved my shoulder out of the way.  Now I say, "well, you've gotten angry and upset and I'm upset too now so you can decide - do you want to continue on this path and end up on timeout for 6 minutes OR do you want to take a deep breath and help me figure out a way to work it out?"  Sometimes he wants the timeout and that's fine with me because he's not getting his way, he's just cooling off and then we try again.  Is he still controlling?  YES -  there's no way to change that.  But am I bracing my feet against the side of my rainbow wall to keep him from crushing me anymore?  Nope.  I feel good about our rainbow.....it's a happy rainbow right now.....we'll see how I feel about it in a few years though.

I have seen some yo-yo rainbows over the years.  This is when a parent wants to be tough but doesn't have enough confidence in themselves to keep steady.  The parent takes a stand on something but the kid starts to push back so the parent buckles and down they go.  Then the parent has an attack of good parenting and so they come back - hard - and they crush the child's will in a sneak attack.  The parent confuses this for good parenting when actually it's bordering on abuse - children don't understand the yo-yo affect - heck, neither do I!  You just let them disrespect you, let them do whatever they wanted - why suddenly are you yelling and smacking??  Children have a flight or fight response too so they're either going to crawl inside themselves and die a little (which breaks my heart) or, if you've got a fighter you better watch your back (and your front), because here they come and no rules apply.  You have crushed something inside them and they will fight like a wounded animal - words, attitude and tears.

No child is ever going to be completely happy all the time, we're going to hurt their feelings, they're going to write things about us in their memoirs and they'll probably need therapy later but hopefully, if we can just find that balance soon enough, we can minimize the damage.  And if we can just manage to keep perfectly still in the middle of that rainbow for 18 years then maybe, just maybe, they'll make it out without needing that therapy until they can pay for it themselves!