You're at the grocery store, all you needed was milk and eggs when suddenly - it drops on you. There's no da-dum-da-dum-da-dum suspenseful music warning telling you to get out of the store or find some amazing toy in your purse before it hits - no way.....it's just there, loud and proud for everyone to hear.....THE TANTRUM.
Before I was mother I would look at that frazzled, beat down woman with the screaming kid in her grocery basket trying unsuccessfully to end her kid's wailing and I would think, "put a muzzle on that kid!" or even better (I laugh at myself now that I know better), "MY kid's NEVER going to do that." Oh what a fool I was.....
They all do it, at least one (hundred) times - that's how they find out where their boundaries are. And it's okay, don't be shy about it! Don't let those glaring strangers back you into a corner because, guess what? You're probably never again going to see that 65 year old lady with the dried up mug giving you the stank eye while she decides on the cheapest orange juice to buy. But - you're going to live with that kid for the next 18 years (I hear 22 is the new 18 though) and then they'll be a parent and you'll have to like their kids too! So, hey mean old lady, you can listen to my kid cry for as long as it takes me to be the best parent I can be.....I really don't care, I don't remember if I put socks on with these shoes so an hour from now I sure as heck won't remember you!
There are lots of wrong ways to handle anything but there are also lots of right ways to handle everything - you just have to find out what works for you and works for your little monster. And just because it worked today doesn't mean it's going to work tomorrow - they're like viruses, constantly mutating to get the best of us. Children need to know where the fence is, and it's not buoys in the lake - it's a fence, it stays in the same spot all the time. This is a no-no, that is a no-no - end of story, there is no discussion on this or that! I'm the Mom!
So there you are, in public, with a pissed off kid and a bunch of nobodies staring at you. First things first, forget about them, then take a deep breath (you need that oxygen for your brain to outsmart this kid!), then access the situation - why are you freaking out right now child? Because I said no? Don't change your mind mom because that's the beginning of the end for you. You laid down the law and now you must stand by it - even if you're wrong. You can go several ways on this but with my daughter I simply said, "oh we are not going to act that way. I'll just wait until you stop screaming." and then I took two steps away from her and leaned against the frozen turkeys. People staring at me, I nodded and said, "How you doing? Nice day today, huh?" They just stared.....I don't care. I didn't look at my daughter at all and I made sure she was aware I was just waiting.....not shopping or anything else (please do not check your phone during this time - that's so rude). This first time it took her 5 minutes to stop - SERIOUSLY. But by the next it was three, then a bunch of two minutes and then we were down to one. I'd say we had about 10 tantrums over the course of a year before she realized it was no good. And I just mean the grocery store, I could never count all the home and car ones!
For home tantrums I highly suggest the use of a time out chair. Always leave it in the same spot, in an area where they can hear you and you can hear them but they cannot observe the rest of the house. Ours was at the very end of the hallway and both of my children knew better than to get up because every time you got up - the time started over, and the time did not begin until you stopped screaming either - you can cry, that's fine, we all need a good cry, but you will not scream on my time. Oh no you will not. I set the timer in the kitchen and say, "you have 2 minutes of time out. when the timer goes off you can decide how you want to act and then you can rejoin us." The time is always equal to their age and when they were first learning this no screaming rule I would adjust the time down a little. I want them to accept the punishment and be able to walk away having learned something, not being broken.
I chose the subject of tantrums because I had a request from a new mom with a one and a half year old who is seriously testing his boundaries right now. One and a half is old enough to begin to learn right and wrong and yes and no but it's a little young for the chair just yet.....you'd spend half your time chasing him and he'd think you were a fool. Try putting his toys on timeout instead - place them on the counter where he can see them, tell him that he can't have them back until the timer goes off because we don't throw things and we don't hit. One minute is enough - but wait til he stops screaming about them first and as soon as he does something bad - it goes back up on the counter and time starts again. Kids are smart - he will understand quickly that hitting or screaming equals no toy. And he will stop.
The problem with parents is that we get in our our way - choose a path and walk that path until the end, if it didn't work, choose a new one. But, for goodness sakes, whatever you do, please don't count. You look ridiculous. And your kid knows it.
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