I used to have a really stressful job - the kind where people die if you make mistakes. So part of our training was stress relief - it's very stressful to worry about killing and/or maiming people for 12 hours a day. One of the instructors taught a fantastic lesson about not carrying around what you don't need to.....and last night I used that lesson on my six year old son.
My kids very rarely hit each other, and its usually my little guy who has built up enough anger that he can't contain it anymore and he lashes out. My daughter then retaliates by pushing him down because I have taught her that she has the right to defend herself. I meant against strangers and bullies but it's hard to split hairs with a 9 year old.
So - last night I go into her bedroom where they are both in tears, he's hyperventilating and she's sobbing with her whole body.....GREAT. First I got really stern and raised my voice which I so rarely need to do but then I realized that the little guy can't hear me through his anger and his huffing breaths. So I send them both to get ready for bed (teeth, bathroom and jammies) to give them time to stop crying. You are wasting your breath trying to be heard through tears and anger so don't even try.
Then, I invited them both to sit on my bed and talk about it. My son launches into a story that begins with his sister not letting him do something and meanders through his friends being mean to him and the kids in his class not sharing, adults not listening - it goes back two years. WHOA DUDE, it sounds like you're holding onto to some seriously old drama. You are carrying around way to much stress for such a tiny man! Now, keep in mind that I've told you about my son and his control issues so he can obsess about something forever if he needs to. I heard him out tho, everyone needs to unload sometimes right? Then I had the great idea (sometimes we moms have those) to teach him to "empty his backpack."
First, of course, I asked if he'd like to play a game with me then I grabbed a small backpack and put it on him. I said, "this backpack is your backpack - pretend you have to carry it every day and you can never take it off. Is it too heavy?" he laughed and said no. Then I grabbed an envelope off of the bookshelf and said, "this is sissy not letting you do what you wanted. And this," I grabbed a pen and tossed it in, "is me telling you no more xbox today. This (a paperback) is your friend putting things away in the wrong places in your room, this (another book) is your friend at school telling you that someone else is his new best friend. Is it heavy now?" He laughed, shook his head and said no, of course not. It only took about a minute, I tossed it a GI Joe, a few pencils, a couple more books, a shoe, a few candles, some knick knacks - everything not breakable on the shelf. And finally, when I could see the backpack was pretty heavy and he was thinking about how heavy it was, I knelt down in front of him and said, "do you really want to carry all of that crap in your backpack? It looks heavy - is it worth it to hang onto all that stuff?" I pulled out a pencil and said, "do you remember what this was for?" He didn't. "It's probably not worth carrying around anymore then, is it?"
Then I dumped the backpack out on the floor and handed it back to him, "Better?" Not only did he say yes but he also said thank you and gave me a huge hug......and my daughter who had witnessed the entire thing said, "Nice one, mom." It's so good to be appreciated by the little people. Now whenever he seems to be holding onto his anger, or whenever I see him getting upset about something little I'll just simply say, "is it worth carrying around in your backpack?" And then he can decide if it's a weight he wants to carry.
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